My Grandma's advice for a happy marriage

My grandparents adored each other. From the minute my grandpa saw my grandma, he knew she was the one for him.

Even when time had done it's job in aging and slowing their bodies down, it was absolutely obvious that they loved each other. They still held each others hands and laughed together.

My grandpa's eyes would twinkle and his crooked smile would appear when my grandma said something. My grandma would still make sure my grandpa had everything he needed even though she couldn't see well and her body hurt when she moved. They were coming up on their 70th anniversary when Grandpa passed away in 2018.

They had years of loving and working hard. But they weren't perfect years. There were days when they didn't really like each other. Last week I was visiting my grandma. She told me one of the things that had helped her and my grandpa have a successful marriage for almost 70 years:

"We loved each other more than we didn't."

There it was in a simple, matter-of-fact sentence. Truth. Truth that sometimes they loved each other and sometimes they didn't. If you knew my grandparents, you'd understand this sentence even more clearly- the fact that they loved each other more than they didn't wasn't something that just happened... it wasn't just lucky odds or anything like that. They CHOSE to love each other. They were deliberate about everything in their lives. This took hard work, but they had committed to love each other, and because they both were working at it, they ended up with what is now a beautiful legacy of love for our family.

They didn't let hard feelings fester too long. They chose to let things go. To forgive and kiss and make up. They chose to love each other more than they didn't. It may sound like that over simplifies things, but it really doesn't. We all have to make choices every day in how we are going to treat each other.

My husband, Matt, and I have been married for 25 years. A quarter of a century. That seems like it should feel like a long time, but some days it really doesn't.

In the spring of 1994 I had just graduated with my Associate's Degree in music and had moved back to good old Provo, Utah. At church on my first Sunday back, as my mom and I walked into the Sunday school room where a few of her church member friends sat, she announced to them that I was newly available in case they had somebody they wanted to set me up with! I'm sure I blushed, everybody laughed, and I thought that was the end of that... but then one of the men came over and said that he did, in fact, have somebody in mind... one of his step-sons who was serving a mission, whose name was Matt. He said Matt's missionary picture was hanging in the foyer of the church and I should go check it out. And I did. And he was cute.

That afternoon Matt's mom told me all about her missionary son and asked me to write him a letter... we wrote back and forth for a couple of months, then he came home from his mission and took a trip to Utah to visit his mom before heading to California to start college. He took me on a date which led to spending every day together... he never ended up going back to California for college... he stayed in Utah and we ended up getting married 3 1/2 months later. Yes. That quick. That's a whole different story for another day! Hardest and best decision of my life. But, aw... weren't we cute!?

Do you see the happiness on Matt's face in this wedding day snapshot? He wasn't sure I was going to show up to the temple and go through with marrying him... and honestly, I wasn't completely sure either. He was so happy when I arrived and went through with it...

So here we are, all these years later. We've had fun times and heart-breaking times. Days of getting along and days we didn't really like each other at all. Somehow, I thought after being married this long, we would have it all figured out. But we don't. We are still learning how to love each other better.

Friday was one of those hard days. It started so great. Matt had the day off. It was Pioneer Day here in Utah and I had the whole day planned with fun activities for our family.

And then everything went bad. One of us got in a bad mood. Miscommunication happened. And there we were.... in one of those times when we just really didn't like each other much. We could have stopped, calmed down, and chosen to listen to each other a little better. It would have saved the situation and the day. But we didn't. We just stayed away from each other. The kids had fun doing things together, and we all came together at the end of the day to light fireworks... but we missed out on what could have been a really great family day.

Saturday morning I woke up and things weren't better. As I got dressed and was having a little conversation with God in my mind, the thought came: "The days are limited. You can spend today being mad, but it would be a waste...you'll regret it." Man. I knew it was true. And I remembered what my Grandma had told me. So I put aside my pride and went and found Matt. We figured out where we had miscommunicated. We apologized. And then we spent the day loving each other better and having a good day as a family.

Here we are on our snow-cone run... (we have 7 kids, we brought a little friend along).

Matt and I get along well most of the time. I'm not saying this will work for every situation. I know there are relationships where one person is choosing to love and keep trying and the other isn't. But for relationships where both people are committed and willing to keep trying, this is a great way to live. Work to forgive and be forgiving. Work to see each other and understand what the other person is going through. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. And then work hard to "love each other more than you don't."

You can do it, Mama (and dads)!

~Angie