Biggest complaint my therapist hears from wives...

Therapy. What's been your experience? How do you view it? Do you think it's only for really messed up people... or do you think just about everybody could benefit at some point in their lives?

I think everybody could benefit, as long as the therapist is a good one.

I decided to go just try it several months ago when I found myself in the same cycle I'd seen for most of my marriage. Nothing big. No huge problems. Just something I decided I wanted to change and wanted some help with.

Was it going to be worth it? This was a therapist that my therapist-friend went to herself. And it was a lot more expensive than I was thinking it would be.

The first session went as I expected it would. She asked questions about why I had decided to try a counseling session. I explained the cycle I had noticed, she made some eye-opening observations I hadn't considered before... and wahlaaah. A lightbulb went on in my mind...My thinking and perspective changed and that big price tag felt smaller.

The observation was simple. Matt and I have opposite ways of dealing with stuff, especially when things are stressful... and she observed that we are both actually trying to do the SAME THING... protect the relationship.

"Wait. You mean when I want to talk and fix things and he wants to NOT talk... we're both protecting?"

"Absolutely."

And she was right. I could feel the truth of it when she said it.

Then she went on to explain: In my relationship, just like in MOST other relationships, there is a pursuer and a withdrawer. The pursuer is generally the one who seeks the other out, instigates time together, etc... They balance each other out in a way, and it keeps things fairly peaceful. Some relationships have two pursuers, which makes for a volatile relationship. Some have two withdrawers, which makes for a very silent relationship.

She told me about some great techniques to help things be a little more healthy... as every person needs to be pursued at times. If you're the one always pursuing and never feeling pursued yourself it can feel like you're a character in a real-life version of "He's/She's just not that into you." And nobody wants to feel like your significant other isn't into you!

I've noticed this before in relationships, but it was really interesting to hear her explanations of how it all usually works... and then came the big A-HA moment that has caused a lot of frustration for me:

"But wait..." I said, "when we were dating and up until we got married, Matt was very much the pursuer! and I was totally the withdrawer!?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "In fact in all my years of being a therapist, that's the biggest complaint I hear from wives! Men who are normally withdrawers become pursuers when they are working to find their mate. Once they get married, they go back to withdrawing and their wives feel like it was almost a bait and switch, because suddenly they are no longer being pursued.

Oh boy.

Marriage. So amazing and stretching at the same time!

Is this true in your relationship? Is there a persuer and a withdrawer? If so, which one are you?